SEPTEMBER 15, 1995 GAY PEOple's ChrONICLE 27
BIG TIPS
Should I avoid showing opposite-sex affection in gay bars?
by M.T. "the Big Tipper" Martone
Boy, there's something about this time of year that makes me want to wear a crisp plaid dress and a new pair of Buster Brown shoes, and sit in an apple tree, taking one bite out of cach apple, then chucking it. Remember when wastefulness was insouciant? (And you wonder why it took so long for me to be good at washing and sorting my recyclables.) Dear M.T.,
I wrote to you a few months ago with the signature “Dazed and Confused,” regarding my crush on a lesbian friend. I want to thank you for your kind and reassuring advice, it helped me through a difficult period.
As you suggested, I decided to tell her how deeply I felt for her, and to phrase it as carefully as possible. But I was hampered by the fact that we both stopped going to the same hangout for a while, so my only way to contact her was by voice mail. I left many messages, all with no answer. I was certain I had blown it, and felt bad for a couple of months.
Then just a few of weeks ago, we both ended up in the same place we used to meet up at. She said her personal stuff caused her to leave town for a couple of months. I then asked her if she got any of my messages; she said no, they got erased by the service before she could get them. So I just told her. She took it extremely well, but made it clear it wasn't gonna happen. But since we both have girlfriends now, it doesn't matter. So thankfully my friendship is intact ... ....
I do have another small problem though. My girlfriend would like to accompany me when I visit the primarily gay places I go to regularly, and I in turn would like her to meet the swell friends I've made there. But I am sensitive to the fact that many gays and lesbians have low opinions of “breeders” in general, and bisexuals in particular, and
even though I have been accepted, part of that is from the fact I don't flaunt my hetero leanings.
Bringing a woman who likes to be affectionate in public into a place where many of the clientele have been stigmatized for doing the same thing makes my Spidey senses start tingling. After all, there are hundreds of gin joints and taverns in the world, why should we invade the ones opened to serve people discriminated against in all others?
But on the other hand, shouldn't acceptance be blanket regardless of sexual preference; isn't that the goal I fight for every day? I've tried to get everyone to meet on neutral territory, but our schedules don't mesh, so this would be the only sure occasion for us all to get together. Right now, I don't take her, and she doesn't complain, but I'm sure she feels a little hurt at being excluded from this part of my life, at my being part of some "HeMan-She-Wimmen-Straight-Haters-Club. "If I'm going to be out, I don't want my true love to have to stay in.
Need your call again, coach. Hey, Hey, What Can I Do?
Dear BiBi Barfly,
Hey, maybe this'll be the first advice column with regulars. You know what you're suffering from? Heterosexual privilege. That's a pretty touchy term these days, especially for bisexuals who are tired of being accused of cowering in the penumbra of acceptance, but "H.P." can be afforded to anyone who doesn't seem to be making major ripples in the pond of dominant culture. People smile benevolently upon me when I'm out with my housemate's son and my friend Marc, because it's assumed that we lay
together as god ordained and squeezed out our own little cherub. H.P. isn't necessarily connected to your sexual identity, permanent or temporal. It's just one of many cultural tactics
that promote the illusion that there is a norm. Good for you, for doing your best to be sensitive in this situation. It would be fab if cach of us could start clean as an individual, with just our own personal crimes to answer to, but since the impact of historic misdeeds against queers still affects us in our day-today lives, it's not completely reasonable to expect suspension of suspicion and anger for the mere ticket price of acceptance of people with less power than you (appear to have). On top of this, at gay-lesbian bars, open het affection can be read as a paranoid assurance of straightness. Sigh. On the other hand, bisexuals shouldn't have to have a spare community on tap for when they start dating someone of a less traditionally queer sex.
Offer to bring the gal, let her know you'll probably get the big frosty fish eye if you're all over each other, and let her make her own choices. (Oh, by the way, even though you used the term breeder, I hope you're not breeding indiscriminately. Just because you can, doesn't mean you must.) Good luck.
Dear B.T.,
I was thinking about the name of your column, Big Tips, and it occurred to me that you might be a big woman. I'm kind of hoping you are, because then you might understand my problem. I've been doing Weight Watchers in a desperate attempt to lose some weight, but it seems like all the situations they talk about are so straight.
No, I don't eat the candy out of my kid's basket on Halloween. No, my mother-in-law doesn't nag me about gaining weight since my marriage to her handsome son. Even the
food they teach you to eat is straight food when I go to my friends' houses for dinner, I have no idea how to eat the food and be "good," since it's inevitably some yummy casserole with mysterious ingredients. I'm trying so hard, and I just want to be healthy,
but I feel like this program is completely incompatible with my lifestyle. Please help. if you have any idea what I'm talking about. Big or Little Tipper?
Dear Constellation Consternation,
Well, as luck would have it, although I'd like to think that an angular and wait-like Tipper could see to the heart of your issues, I am a fat gal, and therefore don't just have to use my common sense on this one. I even have personal experience with Weight Watch-
ers.
Here's what I think: You're right when you say that this diet is not compatible with your lifestyle. The hard part is, no diet really will be. You're on the right track, since you're doing a program that emphasizes real food and adequate vitamins and fiber, etc., but you're paying a chunk of money every week to an industry that knows that 95 percent of the people-mostly women—who lose weight with them will gain it back, plus more. That's criminal.
If health is really your goal, and you feel like spending money on it, call around to gyms and find one that says they have big folks and queers who go there, or classes specifically for big people and queers, if that makes you more comfortable. Go do things you enjoy, like maybe swimming or a dance class. This is intensely individual. If you feel like your cating is literally endangering your health, I'd suggest looking for a counselor whom you've screened carefully to make sure she or he is comfortable with fat lesbians and all of the issues around that. You don't need someone to just put you on another diet. I'm crossing my fingers for you.
Send your questions to M.T. Martone, care of the Chronicle, P.O. Box 5426, Cleveland. 44101; or e-mail to ChronOhio@aol.com, or fax to 216-631-8646.
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